Starting conversations with your kids-Pillow Journals

How do your conversations go with your school age kids?

Let me take a stab at what might pass for a run-of-the-mill give and take between the two of you:

How was your day?

Ok.

What did you do?

Nothing.

How’s that new class going?

<Crickets chirping>

Child has exited the building.

*Sigh*

So how do we engage our kids in discussions that are more meaningful?

One thing we need to realize is that in addition to a lack of down time, there is lots of stuff that gets in the way, such as negative emotions. They can be a real roadblock to conversation and can really throw a monkey wrench into the works.

Emotions like:

Irritation.

Anger.

Fear.

Worry.

Hurt.

Embarrassment.

To cut through the clutter, give pillow journals a whirl. They are a way to chat with your sons and daughters that allow room and privacy and time to think and breathe before getting a thought down on paper, before it is sent onward to the recipient. Even if your children are pre-writers, these will work as well. They can draw pictures, and you can translate those into a few sentences based on the story your child tells you about the drawing.

Here is how you implement this idea:

The Suggestion. Pick a more relaxed moment in your day to broach the idea of a journal. Explain that you read about this interesting way for parents and kids to hold conversations, that allows each of you to talk with the other about whatever is important. It is a method to share what is tugging at you, such as concerns, celebrations, and questions. It’s an instrument you can use if you are feeling prickly about an issue that you just can’t come to agreement on, and you just don’t feel ready to deal with face to face. It can be like writing letters to let each other know about the big and little happenings in your day, or to brainstorm for a solution to a problem.

The Journal. Go to a book or department store in your neighborhood, or visit bookseller  Amazon online, and do a search for a “blank lined journal”. If you like, you can add additional criteria, such as colors or a particular style. I recommend your journal has the following:

Lines. These make it easier for kids of all ages to write somewhat neatly.

Binding. It should be hard bound, because this will hopefully see a lot of use. The pages will float away over time if they are loose leaf or spiral bound, and you will be sadly wiser for it.

Appeal. Ideally, you child would be the final decision maker on the color and design. After all, you want them to really like it. If you buy a blank one, they can always personalize it.

Size. I recommend purchasing journals that are about 6″ x 8″. The size is inviting and eminently fillable. Over time, journal storage will be simpler as well if you stick to a more standard, smaller size.

Getting started: Parents: you may want to prime the pump and write the first entry, but if your child is really excited, let them start it up. Each of you passes the book by placing it under the bed pillow of the recipient. Get in the habit of dating your entries, and hopefully your children will pick up the habit as well, so you can track these entries through time. Also, be sure to share the wealth: Most likely one parent will be more of a natural writer, but I encourage both to join in, even if one of you is more the occasional participant.

The benefits:

Opportunities to hear what is truly important. The journal represents a safe place to converse, a place in which kids can share that neatly avoids the obstacle of  saying something face to face. You will be surprised at the threads of conversation that occur, as well as the things that are on your children’s minds.

Opportunities to share about new places or experiences. Parents, if you travel at all, take the journal with you, and write in it while you are away. The more habitual you are about participating, and letting your kids know that you, too, get nervous, or excited, or whatever, the more your kids will follow your lead. Of course, always be age appropriate in what and how you write to them.

Opportunities to practice writing. Don’t share this one with the kids, as it would be akin to telling them there are vegetables hidden in the pizza sauce. The youngsters are learning how to put thoughts down on paper, and that is always a good thing.

Opportunities to watch them grow. As time goes by, you will be delighted to see the improvement in your child’s handwriting, their increasing ability to tell a story and their comfort with the written word.

Opportunities to create and save memories. I love going back through the girls’ journals, reading the joyful recounting of a visit to their Nanna or an encouraging entry following a fight. It is a snapshot in time that was viewed through our own personal lenses.

The good news is that this process is pretty simple. The biggest challenge will be committing the time to do it, to writing in the journal and returning it to your child so that they can respond. We fell down at this point after too short a time, and I sincerely regret not taking the few minutes needed to write at least once a week. Remember, you are not writing a novel here, so it is possible to jot something down in 5 or 10 minutes. There will be times you want or need to write more, and that is fine. Let comfort be your guide.

Learn from our mistake, and take action this week, if not today, to start this tradition and keep the conversation rolling with your children via the pillow journals.

Choose them, buy them, use them regularly and enjoy them!

Following are images from our girls’ journals, to give you a little taste of the possibilities.

10 yr old Alexis shares in her journal

Ten year old Alexis writes of her concerns about teacher Mr. G, as she had heard he was “really, really, really, really, really tough”, because “you have to wright like one-hundred sentences if you didn’t have something.” and finishes with her declaration, “I’ll never forget anything for Mr. G.” Knowing the kind of student Alexis was and is, she probably never did.

7 yr old Leslie writes about a visit to Nanna’s

I will translate for you: Dear Mom, I really liked making playdough. I had a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (cereal). I spilled half of it. Alexis played on the computer the whole time. I had a lot of fun.

Priceless. Absolutely priceless.

Oh. And the journal on the pillow? That was Alexis’. Leslie, purple and pink little girl that she was, chose a journal with purple elephants.

Challenge: How do you start and maintain conversations with your children?

Share with us in the comments, as we could all use the encouragement and ideas!