Three steps to discovering and encouraging your child’s strengths and talents

Do you encourage your child’s strengths or concentrate on their weaknesses?

I have a confession to make.

I was a mom who concentrated on the weaknesses.

I may have commented on the A’s, but my eye would go right to the other grades, and ask “What happened here? What can you do to bring that up?”

I would exclaim over a project they had created just for fun, and ask if they saw ways to improve it.

I would look at the just cleaned bedroom, maybe give lip service to the bed that got made, but gesture towards a still cluttered closet, and take my girls to task for an unfinished job.

I cringe just writing that. And ask my daughters for forgiveness.

Now that I am much older and wiser, I know better. I offer what I have learned to you so that you can be a loving and effective parent who focuses on helping to reveal the strengths while building lasting relationships with your children.

Today I am sharing three ways to start bringing out the best in your youngster. Their best.

What they were wired to be, not what you want them to be.

 Let go

You need to give up your preconceptions about who and what you think they need to become (a professional athlete, a female executive, a doctor, a missionary, etc) and start focusing on how you can help them figure out what it is they are really passionate about. While you may dream of continuing the unbroken family lineage of engineers, teachers, farmers, mechanics, nurses, or whatever, this may not be where your child will be working in their strengths. Folks who work in their strengths zone, as Tom Rath writes in Strengths Finder 2.0, have improved confidence, direction, hope and kindness, traits we desire for each of our children.

Pay attention

Watch them closely to identify what trips their trigger. Keep track of concrete examples of things they are innately good at and accomplishments in their lives, and record them in a journal. You can also look for the things that they just can’t not do. For instance, they may be natural born leaders. If this talent is not playing out in a positive way in their lives at the moment, you have an opportunity to redirect and then document it. They may posses talents that make them natural tinkerers, organizers, helpers, inventors, artists, musicians, problem solvers, for example.

As they get older (5 yrs+), have them share regularly with you what they were proud of that day/week: leading, organizing, creating, etc. The child can scrapbook it too, putting photos, articles, pictures they’ve drawn into the book that illustrates their strengths. Remember-no entry is too small to recognize. I led the class to the cafeteria is just as worthy as I took apart a clock and put it back together,  I helped my younger sibling get dressed, or I tried out for a role in the school play. (Note that this last is important, especially if they did not get the part. They took a risk, and that is really important to recognize.)

If you think your children are just too young to make any of this information valuable Rath writes in Finder:

A compelling 23-year longitudinal study of 1,000 children in New Zealand revealed that a child’s observed personality at age 3 shows remarkable similarity to his or her reported personality traits at age 26. This is one of the reasons why StrengthsFinder measures the elements of your personality that are less likely to change-your talents.

Remember what you are seeking is the intersection of their passion and their talents, as it is in this place that the sparks fly.

Encourage them

Provide and support activities that engage these interests. Gather materials for your budding artist, create dance space for  your child who just can’t sit still when music is playing, ditto for your tumbler. Create or find opportunities for your helper to help, for your foodie to cook, for your server to serve. Find local organizations or museums that have programs of particular interest to your kids so they can visit and participate, or locate adults with whom they can chat with who have similar talents and are using them at work or in a hobby. You can always enroll your kids in programs, but please be mindful of them becoming an over-scheduled child.

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You and your child will reap an abundant harvest from these activities, including the joy of seeing them working at things they adore, and the joy and love they feel from your interest and support in what they do.

As I noted in my post, On Ricochet the Dog and Raising Children:

Yes, affirm and cheerlead them indeed. It is a delightful, and yes, sometimes tremendously difficult journey to walk alongside your children and to guide them on their way to adulthood, to provide love and support, and to be the parent, and later the friend. But it is so worth it to let go and allow them grow into their strengths and bloom in their beautifully unique way.

Here is a final quote from Lucado which I recommend posting somewhere so you can read it daily: “Study your kids while you can. The greatest gift you can give your children is not your riches, but revealing to them their own.”

Coming up next week: a tale of encouraging a daughter and where it led

P.S. – Check out 3 Ways to Become a Yes Mom for more ideas and encouragement!

Linked today to No Ordinary Blog Hop