Rescuing your marriage by looking back from the future

I am wading into the deep, dark waters of marriages that are going down for the last time, where the last vestiges of love are drowning in the waves of unmet expectations, hurt, anger and selfishness.

I just can’t stand on the sidelines this time shaking my head and saying What a shame. They seemed happy. Oh, well. I guess these things happen.

I just can’t watch the death of another family by divorce.

Seeing hearts break, families shatter and lives become fragmented.

Hearing soul-deep cries of children who will forever wonder what they did wrong.

Being overwhelmed with grief as beloved friends/nieces/nephews/cousins/grandchildren are moved to a place far from the ones they love.

With a life raft in tow, and perhaps foolishly naive, I stride in, praying that I can offer some information, a resource, a fresh perspective-even a tough love style whack on the side of a head-that will help bring the warring parties and their deeply wounded relationship back to solid ground where the fragile process of healing and flourishing can begin.

I have never been in such a wild and inky sea, and felt so small and afraid and just plain not equipped for the task, but still, this is a cry I cannot ignore.

I apologize if this makes you angry, if you think I am out of bounds or I am talking about a situation about which I know absolutely nothing.

You are right. I don’t know what it is like to be in a marriage where every day I feel like I’m struggling for breath in a suffocating, loveless pit.

What I do know is that I have seen many couples come back from the blackest depths, holding onto the thread of their faith, kicking and clawing their way back to the surface together, lungs pounding from the exertion and lack of oxygen as they fought for the very survival of their entire family.

Please note that I do realize individuals in an abusive marriage are in a very different situation, and I am not referring to those type of relationships here. I am referring to those that have gone from  ‘Til death do us part to I’m sick to death of trying to make this work.

Sometimes we need to put some figurative distance between ourselves and our difficulties, because many of our day-to-day experiences, especially the problems, appear larger than life. As I wrote in a previously:

Today, right at this moment, the problems are so close.

We feel pressured and confined by them.

We find ourselves short of breath, or with a rapidly beating heart even as we think about them, regardless of the actual size or scope of the difficulties.

They may appear big and complex, sometimes perilous, or even insurmountable.

We fear the consequences if we crumple in defeat, or we become very angry, or offended, hurt or bitter as we struggle to come to some sort of resolution.

Yet, over time, the feelings we have today, much like the roadside images, often recede into the distance, and become nothing more than specks on the landscape of our past.

So here is what I want you to ponder today

What if you could put some breathing room right now between you and your desperation? How about we hop in our imaginary spacecraft and zoom forward five or ten years to visit your FutureSelf, where you can experience the life you created as a result of your decisions? Think of it as taking a trip a la Scrooge and his Ghost of the Future, or George and his Angel Second Class Clarence from A Wonderful Life.

As you stand beside FutureSelf and get a taste of that life while simultaneously looking  back at this critical juncture, what will you see and how might that change the path you take today?

I am going to take a hopeful stab in the dark that you might see things in a different light…

…that the little annoyances you allowed to grow into large grievances look embarrassingly smaller in retrospect, that your behavior seems more, well, petty or immature. That you kidded yourself about the divorce being the best for your children, that it was more about you just not wanting to work at looking inward to see how you could be a better half. That you never anticipated the impenetrable depression or the acute loneliness replacing the euphoria of breaking free of your exasperating spouse. That you grieved for your parent/child relationships that never really had a chance, and began to wither on the vine the moment you walked away.

I am dead serious about this. This may seem to be a silly and pointless exercise, but it is a very powerful means of focusing on the truly important.

Years ago I was paired up in a college course with a classmate for an assignment. We were supposed to provide our partner with a means of helping them decide about an important issue. I figured that I’d be assisting in the determination of her major or the choosing of a new car.

Oh, no.

I faced a married mom who was deliberating whether or not to keep the baby she had just learned she was carrying.

Not having the benefit of my Christian faith at that time, I shared the only idea that came to mind: the future pacing exercise noted above. This woman went into our discussion thinking about the how am I possibly going to be able to handle this what if I have to put my own dreams on hold, the right now overwhelming I’m in college and I work and I have other children and money is already tight.

We walked tentatively into the future, watched the home movies play with and without this child, and I gently asked

What path will you wish you had taken?

She came back a changed woman, comfortable and confident with her decision, a mother who had taken the long view back via her FutureSelf and realized the regret and sorrow she would experience if she had an abortion, and couldn’t imagine a life without this new baby.

She had shaped today’s decision with the perspective of time and distance.

Will you do the same?

Join me later this week when I’ll share more on rescuing your marriage and resources to help you get there.

I understand what a difficult subject a failing marriage is and how fraught with emotion the conversations can be. Although my words may seem harsh, my message is love, for you, your spouse, your family, to get help and do whatever it takes to find your way back to loving one another.

I have a couple of requests today: Please share this as far and wide as you can, as there is a friend or neighbor who needs to know that there is a way back. You can click on the buttons below to share via the various social media sites.

Please also comment to help give hope, another point of view, resources-whatever your experience, and never underestimate the power of what you have to share.

Thanks for coming by.

Sharing at No Ordinary Blog Hop

Image Credit: D Sharon Pruitt