Love by the Book

Did you know that there is an entire marriage manual encapsulated within a mere paragraph of a book?

Who knew?

I suspect lots of folks, and I am just late to the party.

In the past few years, I have read these words more times than I can count, and then the realization hit me-woke me out of a sound sleep in the middle of the night, actually-and I noticed that each phrase covered an area where too many husbands and wives often work tirelessly, chipping away at the foundation of their marriage.

On the off chance that you, too, were late to the party, I humbly offer my expanded version of love by the book so that you may be inspired to strengthen and rebuild your relationship.

Love is patient.

I can already hear some of you disagreeing with me as you qualify that statement, and respond that it is patient…up to a point, but I ask you to remember back to when your children were just beginning to walk.

Did you exclaim with delight the first time they stood on those stubby little legs and took a few unsteady steps before falling down?

Did you then say, “Ok, now that you can walk, let’s work on running. No more falling allowed. Let’s go!”

Of course not.

You patiently helped and encouraged your toddler along until walking became an accomplished skill, part of their everyday, normal behavior.

You owe yourself and your spouse the same consideration.

So the next time you feel your patience wearing thin, count to 10, or 50, or 100, or more. Excuse yourself to regain your cool. Imagine you are talking to a co-worker or friend. Find a strategy that works for you and make sure you share what you are doing and why with your spouse, and ask for his love and patience as well.

Love is kind.

Someone drops the ball at work, or a cashier rings up an item twice.

Are you apt to start screaming at them, or, even if you are irritated, to just brush it off with goodwill and a smile?

Oh, that’s all right. No harm done. We are human, after all.

Why is it that you are more likely to extend this kindness to a stranger than to your spouse?

Consider offering the same warmth and compassion to your mate the next time they make a mistake.

Just as noted above, count, take time out, and remember how grateful you feel when kindness is extended to you.

Love does not envy or boast, it is not proud.

You do everything you can to avoid  Ms. One-Upmanship because her behavior is so intolerable.

She does everything better, her kids are smarter, her house is nicer and she is more connected than anyone else.

And even though you do your best to ignore the mountains of praise she heaps upon herself, you do get annoyed because you allow yourself to feel small and inadequate when you are around her.

*Sigh.*

Why is it, then, that you do the same at home, that you sing your own praises about how very special you are, usually in direct proportion to how lacking your spouse is?

How about looking for the good in your husband and celebrating that instead?

This takes practice. And patience. And kindness.

And a heart that is open to looking for the good.

When you see it, give recognition for it, with words or a short and sweet note, and ignore all the other behavior.

No buts allowed, my dear ladies: I know he took out the trash, but then he left his dirty clothes on the floor!

I know this probably goes against all of your instincts, but you just need to trust me here, and do it.

The simple rule is this: You will get more of whatever you pay attention to.

Love is not rude.

Have you ever made sure that your spouse knew exactly how irritated you were by letting loose with a huge disappointed sigh and an exaggerated roll of your eyes?

How do you feel when one of your children does that to you?

Uh huh.

If your child has done that to you, then you know how incredibly disrespectful it is.

Why would your spouse feel any different when you do it to him?

Or wasn’t that the whole point: to let your husband know in no uncertain terms that he has disappointed you, and that he is an idiot, and that now you are going to have to take care of things yourself.

How’s that work for you? Does it get you where or what you want?

May I recommend that you treat your spouse with all the love and affection and respect you felt for him when you were first dating?

Again, if you have to practice counting or gently and graciously saying that you just need some time to regain your cool, then do so.

Love does not demand its own way.

Did you have a childhood friend who wouldn’t play unless everything was done according to her directions?

Do you work for a boss who has to have things just the way he demands?

As much as you disliked then and disdain now having to do it their way or the highway, are you guilty of this habit at home?

How many times have I told you the laundry needs to be folded like this?!

Do I have to show you again how to load the dishwasher?!

Can’t you do anything right?

If you are not encouraged to make improvements with these helpful admonitions, probably your husband isn’t either.

Perhaps you can ask yourself if it is more satisfying to have a loving, helpful spouse, even if tasks aren’t completed exactly the same as you would do them.

Love is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs.

Keeping score.

Awarding your spouse with fun tickets for good behavior and following the rules, which he can use as you allow.

Good boy, Bobby! You vacuumed the house and took out the trash. You can go play with your friends now.

Nope, no treats for you. You were a bad boy, and you’ll just have to figure out what you did wrong. Maybe next week I’ll reconsider, so you’d better be on your best behavior!

Wives, are you treating your husbands like children?

Are you measuring the good they do against all that you accomplish?

Marriage is not a quid pro quo event, nor is it one in which each partner gives just 50%.

Just let go and love your spouse, and give your relationship 100%.

Passionately.

Generously.

Unconditionally.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

Fighting endlessly with your spouse makes for long and unhappy days.

Why is it so hard for you to be better organized?

What does it take to cook a simple dinner?

Winning battles by pointing out your husband’s weaknesses may bring temporary gratification, but ultimately, you will both lose the war, and your children could become the hostages.

Instead,  share and rejoice in where you are weak, and embrace and be grateful at how you can fill in the gaps with each others strengths.

You will be pleasantly surprised by the positive change in the relationship when you recognize and celebrate the inventory of skills you possess between the two of you.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Love really is and does all of these things, simply, elegantly and beautifully, when it is given generously and without reserve.

And if you want your marriage to be overflowing with love, I would recommend stepping back and taking a really close look in the mirror.

Yup.

Hopefully you saw that one coming.

If you want a situation to change, you must always look to yourself first, because the only person you have the power to change is you.

Just go by the manual—trust, hope, persevere—and it will not fail you.

You will have learned how to love by the book.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Which of these will provide a positive shift for you and your marriage?

I’d love to hear from you in the comments, and so would so many other women. You would be amazed at how much alike we really are.

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Image credit-Aaron Alexander