Love by the Book-Part 1

In honor of February, the month of L-O-V-E, I am sharing an updated, two-part, version of a post I wrote last year.

I have added resources in the hope that you are more easily able to find more successful ways to communicate with your husband.

Did you know that there is an entire marriage manual encapsulated within a mere paragraph of a book?

Who knew?

I suspect lots of folks, and I am just late to the party.

In the past few years, I have read these words more times than I can count, and then the realization hit me-woke me out of a sound sleep in the middle of the night, actually-and I noticed that each phrase covered an area where too many husbands and wives often work tirelessly, chipping away at the foundation of their marriage.

On the off chance that you, too, were late to the party, I humbly offer my expanded version of love by the book so that you may be inspired to strengthen and rebuild your relationship.

Love is patient.

I can already hear some of you disagreeing with me as you qualify that statement, and respond that it is patient…up to a point, but I ask you to remember back to when your children were just beginning to walk.

Did you exclaim with delight the first time they stood on those stubby little legs and took a few unsteady steps before falling down?

Did you then say, “Ok, now that you can walk, let’s work on running. No more falling allowed. Let’s go!”

Of course not.

You patiently helped and encouraged your toddler along until walking became an accomplished skill, part of their everyday, normal behavior.

You owe yourself and your spouse the same consideration.

So the next time you feel your patience wearing thin, count to 10, or 50, or 100, or more. Excuse yourself to regain your cool. Imagine you are talking to a co-worker or friend. Find a strategy that works for you and make sure you share what you are doing and why with your spouse, and ask for his love and patience as well.

Some great suggestions for practicing patience here:

A Simple and Fast Guide to Patience for Impatient People

Love is kind.

Someone drops the ball at work, or a cashier rings up an item twice.

Are you apt to start screaming at them, or, even if you are irritated, to just brush it off with goodwill and a smile?

Oh, that’s all right. No harm done. We are human, after all.

Why is it that you are more likely to extend this kindness to a stranger than to your spouse?

Consider offering the same warmth and compassion to your mate the next time they make a mistake.

Just as noted above, count, take time out, and remember how grateful you feel when kindness is extended to you.

Want to rev up the kindness you share?

Practicing Gestures of Kindness

Love does not envy or boast, it is not proud.

You do everything you can to avoid  Ms. One-Upmanship because her behavior is so intolerable.

She does everything better, her kids are smarter, her house is nicer and she is more connected than anyone else.

And even though you do your best to ignore the mountains of praise she heaps upon herself, you do get annoyed because you allow yourself to feel small and inadequate when you are around her.

*Sigh.*

Why is it, then, that you do the same at home, that you sing your own praises about how very special you are, usually in direct proportion to how lacking your spouse is?

How about looking for the good in your husband and celebrating that instead?

This takes practice. And patience. And kindness.

And a heart that is open to looking for the good.

When you see it, give recognition for it, with words or a short and sweet note, and ignore all the other behavior.

No buts allowed, my dear ladies: I know he took out the trash, but then he left his dirty clothes on the floor!

I know this probably goes against all of your instincts, but you just need to trust me here, and do it.

The simple rule is this: You will get more of whatever you pay attention to.

Is pride standing in the way of a stronger and more satisfying relationship?

Handling Pride

Love is not rude.

Have you ever made sure that your spouse knew exactly how irritated you were by letting loose with a huge disappointed sigh and an exaggerated roll of your eyes?

How do you feel when one of your children does that to you?

Uh huh.

If your child has done that to you, then you know how incredibly disrespectful it is.

Why would your spouse feel any different when you do it to him?

Or wasn’t that the whole point: to let your husband know in no uncertain terms that he has disappointed you, and that he is an idiot, and that now you are going to have to take care of things yourself.

How’s that work for you? Does it get you where or what you want?

May I recommend that you treat your spouse with all the love and affection and respect you felt for him when you were first dating?

Again, if you have to practice counting or gently and graciously saying that you just need some time to regain your cool, then do so.

Here are a myriad of suggestions for you, because it is so incredibly important for men to feel respected:

10 Ways to Respect Your Husband 

67 Ways to Make Him Feel Super Respected 

There you have it: four fresh perspectives on loving your husband and strengthening your marriage. I encourage you to look up at least one of the resources and take a baby step today towards an even better you.

This week in our God-sized Dream Team, Holley asks: What do you need to say “no” or “not now” or “not so much” to so your dream can thrive? Have you ever thought of saying no to just one habit? For instance, saying no to being rude to your husband so you can say yes to a more loving relationship? Not only will your relationship be healthier —perhaps another dream of yours?—but you will gain more support in the long run for your God-sized dreams.

Questions: Which of these resonate most deeply with you, and that you can say—Out with the bad and in with the better!—and that will provide a positive shift for you and your marriage?

I’d love to hear from you in the comments, and so would so many other women. You would be amazed at how much alike we really are and how our simple words can encourage one another!

You can read Part 2 here.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.               ~1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

Sharing at NOBH, Finding Heaven, Holley Gerth, Happy Wives Club

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Photo: Neal Fowler