Jay Leno said, “Today is Valentine’s Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day.”
The best humor always has a smidge of truth in it, doesn’t it?
Jay’s comment is no exception.
There is an air of huge expectancy from the women for their men to perform above and beyond on this MOST IMPORTANT HOLIDAY OF THE YEAR SO THEY HAD BETTER NOT MESS IT UP OR THEY WILL BE IN THE DOGHOUSE ALL YEAR LONG!
But here’s the really tricky piece of the puzzle:
The men aren’t sure what their part is, because their ladies may not tell them.
I think it is rare that a husband and wife will sit down and have a conversation about what celebrating Valentine’s Day really looks like to each of them.
I realize that having that conversation may sound cold and clinical.
Isn’t it vital, though. that you and your spouse communicate about what is important to each of you, what it is that you enjoy doing together and what it is that you each do that makes the other feel treasured and respected?
For example, a wife might say, “Honey, let’s go have some fun and go on a date this Valentine’s Day!”
She already has a picture in her mind of the evening.
Maybe it’s ice skating by moonlight, dining at her favorite restaurant, or going dancing.
What is hubbie thinking?
Probably not what his wife is.
And they find themselves at odds once again.
I have 5 tips for a great celebration, your best one ever, I hope!
I’ve shared a couple of these ideas before, and they work, so I am sharing again.
A disclaimer here: my hubbie and I have never been real fans of Valentine’s Day and all the hoopla surrounding it.
That being said, I know that being on the same page with your dearest and letting them know they are your Forever Valentine, whether you are going out for February 14th or any other day, is powerfully romantic.
1. Learn your spouse’s love languages.
They will give you insight to help figure out ways to bring a smile to your beloved’s face. Sometimes it’s might be as simple as a sticky note on the mirror, bringing home a sweet treat or offering to take the kids to the park so your spouse can have a few moments to themselves.
Check out the resources I listed in this post to jump start your communication.
You can also learn a lot from Gary Chapman’s books, The 5 Love Languages, as well as The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your Relationships.
I assume no explanation is needed for that last one. 
2. Ask what a Valentine’s Day celebration would look like.
First, remember there is NO JUDGING.
The whole point of this is to get his opinion.
Does it center around romance, excitement, intimacy, fun, or something else?
Once you both have shared, you will need to find some common ground.
You may have to take pieces of each picture: food, location, cost, activity, etc, to create a third option that would work well.
Perhaps, instead, you can just go on two different dates!
After all, happily and willingly doing what is important to your spouse is a real message of love.
3. Look at Valentine’s Day through men’s eyes.
Since we are women, I think this is a little tricky, but it is so helpful to see things from a fresh point of view.
So, I have gathered some different perspectives from the other side of the aisle.
Read and share them with your hubbies if you like.
Valentine’s Day From a Man’s Point of View, by Paul Wright of Decoding Men. “Valentine’s is a holiday for women, not men.”
The Importance of Celebrating, by Robert Ferguson of Leadership Couples. “Celebrating is not something that comes naturally to me.”
Make Love Every Day, by Darren Hardy of Success Magazine. “Being raised without a mother and having Sergeant Gunnery as a father I’m a little uncomfortable expressing my love.”
The Best Way to Celebrate Valentine’s Day, by Jeff Goins of Goins, Writer. “For us, Valentine’s Day is not about romance; it’s about friendship. After years of being married, I’m realizing how important this is.”
4. Ask your spouse what it is that you do that shows them you love them.
You’ve probably felt under-appreciated before, which may lead to battle lines being drawn instead of romantic plans being made:
Have you ever experienced a point in your marriage where
you get into an apocalyptic battle with your spouse about how you are being treated like a slaveyou share with civility and tenderness that you are not feeling appreciated?How did that work for you? Did you gain insight and perspective, or did one or both of you just ultimately walk away from the conversation with more hurt feelings and without any real resolution?
This powerful question—What do I do that shows you I love you?—can get right to the heart of things.
It puts the focus on what it is you do that makes your spouse feel special, that they matter and they are loved.
However, use this information as a guide for that conversation, and beware of your attitude and expectations.
If you don’t, it might not go quite like you’d like, as it did for this wife.
5. Commit to random acts of love and kindness throughout the week, the month, the year.
Even if your spouse doesn’t.
Even if he says don’t bother, that it doesn’t matter.
It does.
To you.
To your kids who are watching.
To your spouse, even though he says it doesn’t.
And, finally, remember these words:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. ~1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 (NIV)
Question: How do you view Valentine’s Day, and how will you celebrate?
Sharing at #LOBS
Smoothies photo: D. Sharon Pruitt
Tree photo: Philip Antar
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Twitter: jenfergie2000
says:
I, too, used the think the conversation took the romance out of the whole thing (not really V-day, but more like anniversaries and birthdays), but I soon learned that it was better to be open than rather get mad that he couldn’t see inside my head.
Great point, Jen! Wouldn’t it be great if everyone, not just our hubbies, just knew exactly what we needed and when, without even asking?
Thanks for coming by!
Twitter: SUSZYCUE
says:
This was an awesome post. I liked all of your suggestions and also thanks for the links. My husband and I have been married for 46 years and it just keeps getting better. He is such a kind and loving. It took us a while to learn our love languages but I think we have them down pretty well. However, there is always room for more learning. He’s great at the romance thing so I always have a sweet Valentines day.
Can I use our graphic on love? It really loved it~
Blessings and hugs for this one~
Living Waters by LeAnn recently posted…“I Hope They Call Me On A Mission”
Wow, 46 years, LeAnn! Congrats! I think part of your success is your willingness to continue to learn about how to make your marriage great.
Glad you liked the graphic! It’s on my Pinterest and FB page. If you’d like a copy to post, let me know, and I’ll send it to you via email. Thanks for being such an enthusiastic and loyal reader!
Twitter: SimplyEJS
says:
I am a true Valentine’s enthusiast, so over the years, it’s been a little disappointing to encounter so many people who unleash a vitriolic tirade at the mere mention of the holiday. I’ve even wondered if hating on Valentine’s Day was just the latest trend. That being said, your article really left me thinking– Valentine’s Day would be ZERO fun if I was all stressed out because I felt like I had a target painted on my head (or heart) and a partner willing to take aim if I failed to “perform” to his/her expectations. I mean, can you think of anything LESS romantic? Thank you for decoding some of the reason why not everyone may match my enthusiasm for the day. (I’ll also be checking out that Apology book!)
EJ Smith recently posted…Resolutions: The Learning Curve
EJ, I have always been puzzled by folks who were Valentine’s Day enthusiasts. You have given me insight into your world, so thank you for that!
When I was younger, I had many more guy friends than girl friends. I heard too many stories like these about relationships:
He felt his girl spent more time making him jump through hoops than letting him know what she really wanted.
He felt it didn’t matter how he helped around the house because his lady criticized and re-did everything he was told asked to do.
Those conversations really shaped my view of Valentine’s Day, but I am coming around.
Twitter: SimplyEJS
says:
Yes, see — that’s the problem. When I was little, my Mom used to help me make Valentine’s for everyone– classmates, teachers, busdriver, aunts, uncles, cousins (all 16 of them), grandparents… and I’m probably forgetting some. She always framed it as a day to show people who we don’t always take the time to tell that we think they’re special and important. I suppose that’s why I still love it so much. Last year, I made Valentines (pink & white heart-shaped sugar cookies) for all of my coworkers too. I go all out! I can see why if it’s treated as just a high stakes date night, that would pretty much suck the fun right out. But showing people you love, appreciate them or simply “see” them? Give me more of THAT!
Yes, yes!!
Twitter: TheSeanaMethod
says:
A lot of this comes down to managing expectations, which is so important at a holiday like Valentine\’s Day. So much of our pleasure comes from how an activity compared to what we imagined it to be — great tips. Now all I need to do is figure out how to be a in place with green grass (like in your photo) instead of snow and I\’ll have a great day!!
You hit that nail on the head, Seana! It is about expectations. When they are wildly differently, conflict occurs.
It’s snowing.
You want green grass, come on down to TN! Well, not today.
The weather is the big reason we moved from NH to TN this fall.
If you are ever down this way, give me a shout out and we can do coffee!
Twitter: TheSeanaMethod
says:
Just made my first trip to TN this fall (to Nashville) and had a WONDERFUL time. So nice of you to offer to meet up if I ever get back. I’m certainly thinking “south” right about now!!
Seana turner recently posted…My Best Organizing Tip
Twitter: forbetterorwhat
says:
I don’t know how we will celebrate Valentine’s Day this year. We usually do not go out, because nearly all the restaurants have “special” menus (limited choices at double the price) and are unpleasantly overcrowded. I’m pretty sure I will receive a card or two from my husband, and certainly from the cats! One of my favorite Valentine’s Days was the time my husband gave me a chain saw with a big red bow on it. (It was exactly what I wanted.) Sometimes I splurge at the grocery store and make a special gourmet meal. Sometimes we go out on the 13th or the 15th in order to avoid the crowds. (Flower lovers, note that the price of roses is often lower on the 15th than on the 14th.) In general, I approach this day without any specific expectations. I just assume we will have some kind of a good time.
I love your perspective, Rosemary! What a wonderful husband you have, and one who understands you so well to give you a chain saw. 😉
I agree with you 100% on flowers and dining out. Avoid the crowds and the additional cost, and get lots more fun and romance for your money! Thanks so much for stopping by!
Hey Kim, my hubby and I have a built in tradition for V-day. Our church has a marriage retreat and since my hubby is on staff, we get to go for free! It’s a fun and helpful way to celebrate our marriage and love!
BTW, I don’t know if it was my phone but I tried to go to your post thru the link in the email I get from subscribing, but the links didn’t work. Just wanted to give you the heads up, in case there’s a setting needing to be tweaked. Thanks for all the great ideas and reminders!
What a refreshing way to spend Valentine’s Day, Beth, and for free too! I love free!
A few years back my hubbie and I did a retreat that was wonderful. Even though we’d been happily married for almost 30 years, we still learned things about each other to help improve our marriage.
Thanks for the heads up on the trouble with my link. I will check it out!
Twitter: SimplySaidMom
says:
Kim- thank you for visiting me today and commenting on my “Coffee for Your Heart” post. I love Holley’s blog as her words are always inspiring and encouraing to my heart. I love how you are simply inspiring your readers to be honest and upfront with their spouses about the expectations of Valentine’s Day! I find it to be a rather useless day of the year, however Hallmark has used it to the fullest advantage – both a good and bad thing I suppose.
Shannon recently posted…When you have nothing planned to say
You are most welcome. I enjoyed the encouragement!
Yes, Hallmark has indeed capitalized on the day!
I adore Holley, and she is as sweet in person as she is on the web. I was truly blessed to be chosen to be on her God Sized Dream Team for her book launch. I was stretched with 99 other women as we encouraged each other and wrote to overcome our fears and concerns about following our dreams. If you haven’t read that book, it’s great!
Twitter: Linkouture
says:
Stopping by from LOBS. I’ve never been very big on Valentine’s day either (my husband and I actually only celebrated it once together, the first year we were dating, and it was a disaster. Ever since we just treat it like any other day). I actually, though, really like the idea of #5. I think little acts of love on days when it is not expected is so much more meaningful on a day that was designated for love. However, I do think for those who do want to do something special for Valentine’s Day, these are some great tips. It is important for couples to understand what the other wants so that one or both don’t end up wildly disappointed! (And I do think many people expect their significant other to be able to reda their minds, myself included!)
Bev recently posted…Five Unique Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas for Her
Hi Bev! Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. I wonder why so many of us suffer from assuming our loved ones can read our minds? :-0
Glad you like #5. I like it too, for myself. I’d rather have several, thoughtful acts of service or words of affirmation (my love languages!) rather than a big, expensive gift.
Twitter: DishofDailyLife
says:
My husband and I are not terribly romantic and we seldom do anything for Valentine’s Day. But I love your tips! And #5 is just awesome! We could all stand to do more of this, and it’s a very good point that the kids are watching!
Michelle recently posted…Tangy Sesame Chicken Wings
I don’t think we’ve ever actually celebrated Valentine’s Day, either, Michelle. But, that’s what the rest of the year is for.
Speaking from experience, there is no humility inducing act like watching your child behave badly like you.
The opposite is true, of course. The first time they reach out to help, offer hope, or hugs like you, it just melts your heart.
Hope you discover wonderful things to do that delight your hubby!
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