A must-have decision making tool

My basic principle is that you don’t make decisions because they are easy; you don’t make them because they are cheap; you don’t make them because they are popular; you make them because they’re right.  ~Theodore Hesburgh

It’s the same old refrain.

You have a big decision to make and you just don’t know which way to go.

Your wants, needs and desires have climbed into the boxing ring in your head and are fighting for their position, all the while calling to you, “Pick me! Pick me!”

Meanwhile, you are crouched in the corner, your stomach is in knots, and you wish the right solution would just stand up.

What to do?

Years ago I was paired with a classmate in a college counseling course to practice handling this very situation. We were supposed to help guide one another to a decision about an important issue without telling the other person what to do. I figured I’d be assisting in the determination of a major or the choosing of a new car.

Oh, no.

I faced a married mom who was deliberating whether or not to keep the baby she had just learned she was carrying.

Getting lost in the thicket of the present

Amy* felt pressured and confined by this new development because she saw it as the potential straw that would break her family’s already overloaded back.

She feared the literally life-changing consequences of her decision, and bounced from calm to angry, joyful to bitter, as she struggled to find the right answer where she really didn’t believe there was one.

What she needed was some breathing room, some distance from her day-to-day responsibilities as a wife, mother of two, student, and co-owner of a business with her husband.

Creating that emotional distance

I had recently read about future pacing—a decision making technique—in Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s book, How Could You do That?!  I offered it to Amy, explaining the basic idea:

Sit, close your eyes and relax.

Envision your own personal time-machine, climb in, and set the dial for the future.

Imagine you are traveling to see what wisdom your Future Self has to offer and to experience your life from that unique perspective.

I encouraged her to think of it as taking a trip a la Marty McFly and his souped-up DeLorean in the movie Back to the Future.

She agreed to give it a try, and taking a few tension-releasing breaths, she settled into her chair.

She journeyed twenty years into the future and disembarked, looking back over the sights, sounds, and sensations of those past two decades.

I suggested that she not just watch those home movies of her life, but to step into them, experience the joys and the sorrows, the calms and the storms, the highs and the lows, life to the full, both with and without this child, and gently asked,

What path will you wish you had taken?

And then I sat and quietly awaited her return.

Making the decision

This young woman went into our discussion in distress over her impending decision:

I’m in college and I work and I have other children and money is already tight. How am I possibly going to be able to handle this baby with all my other responsibilities?

She came out a changed woman, assured and at ease, a mother who had taken the long view back via her Future Self:

I was shocked at the regret and sorrow I would experience from not having this baby,  and literally couldn’t imagine a life without them, in spite of the additional complexity he or she would add to our lives.

She had shaped today’s decision with the powerful perspective of time and distance.  (Click here to tweet!)

Guiding her helped me

I came out of that assignment a changed person.

Not only did I find I enjoyed helping others with information and resources I had gathered, but I also realized I possessed a simple tool with extraordinary power.

I used it so much it has become an automatic part of my deliberating, and I have taught it to my daughters as well.

The clutter that it removes from the decision making process never ceases to surprise me, as does the resulting focusing in on what is truly important in my life.

From there, it is just a short distance to choosing the solution that fits within those parameters.

You see, my struggle—and yours—over making decisions involves our core values.

It’s about being able to clearly see the difference between what often looks like the easier path, as opposed to what is right, and in alignment with our values.

And future pacing generally makes the difference between the two crystal clear.

As Dr. Laura notes in her book, honoring our personal values compounds our happiness.

I encourage you to use this technique so that it becomes an integral and automatic part of your decision making process.

Making choices is rarely easy, comfortable or convenient, but using this approach will hopefully move you from hiding out in the corner to confidently and happily choosing a winner every time!

Question: What decision has been nagging at you that you can settle with this tool?

This week over at Holley Gerth’s we are sharing about what brings us joy, especially in regards to our God-sized dreams. Although it is not detailed explicitly in this post, sharing resources and information, encouraging, and helping guide other moms to their better selves, to find happiness where they are, and to ultimately help them build stronger and more satisfying relationships makes me just jump for joy. Join us!

Sharing at NOBH, Soli Deo Gloria, Holley Gerth

*Not her real name

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